This is the ugly in me

I almost lost everything. Why.  Because of my sick freaking nightmares. For most of my life it appears I was willing to do just about anything to avoid the ugly in me. The fear. The pain. The grief. When these three horseman would converge in my sleep the nightmares would strain my sanity. Literally. If you read these posts you will hear the story of how this ugly inside saves me from dying in my sleep. Severe sleep apnea is now been addressed. Ironic that the very thing that almost destroys me in the end saves me and sets me free.

Someday I'll be free to share the depths to which I fell, for now I will not risk the innosense of my children for the comfort of unburdening my soul. When they are grown I will admit my sins publicly in hopes of helping those who face the sick freaking nightmare that was my life.

The love of my life who knows most all of me now said, "But those dreams were not real. Your nightmares are only dreams that are not real life. Us, you and me, here, now. This is real. We are real. You are real. Your dreams are dreams. They are not real."

I breathe now when I sleep. I dream now when I sleep. Life is real now. There is no inbetween. I am whole. I am happy. I am sane. Still a little bit crazy, but sane nontheless. 

I write elsewhere now. 

I will return someday when I am able. Or if again I must understand the unreal. If the three horsemen ride once again and the sick freaking nightmares speak to me once again.