Life is too Short to be this Miserable

She saved my life. Again. She said this morning, "Life is too short to be this miserable." So simple. So true. No judgement. Just a fact. Death will come soon enough. Too soon.

The Worst One

So I've done it. No recollection of how I did it, but I'm dead. I'm not buried or crushed or struggling. I'm just dead. I'm lying there motionless in the dark. At least I think I'm lying down. I don't feel anything. I can't see anything. Total darkness. I can't hear anything. Nothing. No ringing in my ears and I think for a moment that even that would be nice. Total silence. No breathing. No heartbeat. No voice. I panic and shout out for help. No voice. No breathe to push the words. I reach for my face. No hands. No feeling. I start to cry. No tears. Nothing.

I think something terrible has happened. What has happened to me? Then I realize I'm dreaming. I must be dreaming. But nothing is happening. What am I dreaming? Is it possible to dream nothing ? I think it's time to wake up now! But nothing. I think WAKE Up! Nothing. I think. I think. It's all I can do. The thought condenses. I am. 

What am I? What have I become? I am me. But what does that mean? And the nightmare truly begins with the thought, "Who was I?" And I remember my last day. I was miserable. It was Mothers Day. And I was miserable. So upset with myself. Such a failure. Such a loser. Such a burden to those who loved me most. The regret. The sorrow. The pain. In my body. In my soul. I couldn't let it go. And then I remember like the breaking of silent thunder. I asked God for this. I wanted to be dead. I actually prayed to be dead. But I am. Everything is gone. But I am. No more pain in my back. No more ringing in my ears. No more asthma. No more headaches. No more anything. But I am. I try not to think. I try not to remember all that was. But I am.

And then the most terrifying thought of all. What's next? Nothing. Silence. 

Lost

Been having a recurring dream lately. I'm wandering. Lost. In hotel hallways. In the woods. In the desert. On the street. It's weird because I'm not trying to get anywhere. I just don't know where I am trying to go. But I know I need to be there. 

Reboot

Been thinking a lot about those brilliant flashes of white light I had experienced so frequently in the first half of my life. Maybe it's the brilliant light people have been drawn to in near death experiences. That light at the end of the tunnel. I think maybe it was God. He was hitting my reset button. Waking me up. Sending me back. Rebooting. Giving me a replay.