Got in a fight with my dad last night

Not sure what to call it. Nightmare, dream, revelation, but last night my dad kicked my ass. He's been dead ten years and for maybe the last 35 years physically incapable of what he did to me. It was the guy I never met. Physically unbroken. Indomitable. In controlled rage. Angry with me. Coming at me.

It was like that scene from Fight Night. He was just some bad ass mo-fo I had to take down or he was going to kill me. Until I realized it was him. In his prime. Perfected. I threw everything I had at him.  And he kept bringing it. He pummeling me. I was bloodied. Torn apart. Fighting for my life. I threw a flying head-butt down into his face and my forehead caved in and went I down in a brilliant flash of white light.

Sick

Been some time since my last post. To say I have been struggling would be the understatement of my life. These last few months have confirmed in me the belief that my self-medicating since childhood was well-founded, but to continue would result in my death.

Unfortunately my most recent string of nightmares may also result in my demise. Some have been too terrifying to remember, however, I wake up sick, nauseous, puking acid, wheezing, struggling to hang on to what life awakening allows. I've seen Hell. It's full of guilt, neglect, anger and sorrow ever spiraling down deeper into the past regrets of my past. Who I could've been left so far behind. Who I should've been lost, forgotten, given to the things I wanted so bad, to the things I couldn't leave behind, to the choices I so carelessly made. Disappointments Such deep rage, such strong fear, so sharp, so alone, lost to all who at one time cared. Trembling alone, scared, hurting, dying with no death. Seeing utter darkness, hearing utter silence, feeling the cold nothingness of outer darkness.